Sometimes we seduce ourselves with the thought of “One day, when …”. When we get the house, the career, more children … or fewer children. The truth is, you’ll never feel content and at peace inside until you know why you chase the projects in your life.
One day a friend of mine called and told me about a very special Sunday outing he’d had with his little son. My friend works a lot, and to try something new they’d decided to go for a drive with no particular destination.
Unfortunately, my friend can be rather absent-minded, so when they’d got a good way outside Copenhagen, they ran out of petrol. Luckily, they were able to coast into a little lay-by along the road, under the beech trees, and wait for roadside assistance. And there they sat, talking and laughing, while the rain drummed on the roof. “It was magic!” my friend told me.
A couple of days later he called again to tell me about a morning they’d had where they’d woken up late. Everyone was rushing, and the mood was stressed – right up until his little boy tugged at his sleeve: “Dad, why don’t we go and sit in the car?”
I could hear how much it had moved him. Because as adults, we know perfectly well that it has nothing to do with the car. But think about how many times, as adults, we seduce ourselves with the thought that once we get there – then the good feeling will come. It could be the career, the pay rise, the children, the house, or any of the many other projects we have in our lives.
Often, the goals we set ourselves in life are metaphors for the feeling we’re chasing. Metaphors we can chase so intensely that, paradoxically, it happens at the expense of the feeling itself.
The man who chases the dream job may be doing it because it’s his metaphor for the feeling of being respected and recognised. But if he gets there by trampling on others and abusing their trust, he’ll never gain that respect and recognition – even if the job does end up being his. He’ll have achieved what is his metaphor for the feeling of being respected, but he’ll never experience the feeling of success, and he’ll feel like a failure.
Are you working without the feeling of success? Look at whether your values match your actions. If they don’t, you can launch all the projects in the world and slog away to finish them – without ever experiencing the feeling of success.
When they do match, on the other hand, you’ll find you’re passionate about your work. Other people will try to help you towards your goal and offer ideas for what else you could do, because they admire that you’re really pursuing what you love. They’ll ask, with genuine interest, how it’s going, and they’ll want to hear how they can reach the same level of passion as you.
The next newsletter is about how to align your values.
/Martin
– Thank goodness it’s almost Monday
