In an everyday life full of work, children and obligations, it can be hard to find energy. Here Martin coaches Michael, who feels stuck and needs to break free from the daily grind. If you don’t feel you have energy in your day-to-day, a powerful exercise is to list the values you’re drawn to against the values you want to get away from. It gives you an overview of what drains your energy — and how you can get more of it.
Michael has written to me to say he doesn’t feel happy, and needs help putting some distance between himself and his hectic everyday life. He needs the calm to balance his marriage with his career, so he can break free from his sense of not living his potential to the full.
My challenge to Michael is: Confront your fear and stop putting the problems off. Start the positive spiral by taking your wife on a relaxing spa break in the Swiss Alps – I’ve booked the trip for you both.
On that note, I’ve read a fair few books on coaching and motivation, and by now I’ve done a fair bit of navel-gazing, where I’ve jotted down a few things that are supposed to get my life back on track.
Unfortunately, I haven’t managed to take the steps I need to, because I simply feel that everyday life pulls me away. With two small children, a busy job and a “demanding” wife, I don’t feel there’s time to fulfil myself. I don’t get my runs in, I don’t do what it takes to make my dreams a reality. If anything, I feel I’m drifting further from my wife (I’ve discovered that we’re far from sharing the same values in life). I have no spare energy at work, and when I finally have a bit of time left over, all I can think about is sleep, because I feel constantly tired.
So my question is how I get some distance from everyday life, so I can have some time for myself. At the same time, I also feel I don’t know where to start once I finally do have a bit of time. There are so many things I want to get to grips with, and then it ends up unstructured and unconstructive. I feel a bit like I’m working against myself. I hope you can find the time to reply.
Kind regards
Michael
———————-
Dear Michael
Thank you for your question to the advice column. I think a great many people carry the same thoughts about time for career, relationship, children, exercise and so on that you describe.
You write that you’ve jotted down a fair bit that’s supposed to get your life back on track, but that you can’t find the time to do it. At the same time, you and your wife are drifting further and further apart.
If you don’t get your life back on track, you haven’t yet seen the worst of it. You meet every requirement it takes to start a negative spiral — one that will surely stall your career, drive your marriage even closer to the edge, and leave deep marks on your children.
I’m saying it bluntly, because that’s where you’re heading. You could read every book in the world and learn all the good techniques without being able to save a thing.
My point is that you have to confront your fear. You have to put the books down and drop the excuse that you can’t develop yourself because you don’t have time. Development happens along the way. Never before or after. It’s while you’re in a relationship that you get better at being in a relationship.
Something between the lines tells me you’re putting things off, and I think it’s your “demanding” wife you’re afraid of: “What if I open up something we don’t make it through?” If you share the relationship’s fundamental values — trust and respect — you’ll surely be fine. If humour, sex and intellectual challenge have been there before, the spark can be rekindled too.
My challenge to you: Stop putting it off! Confront your wife with your feeling that you’re drifting apart, and tell her you want the two of you to work your way back towards each other.
Use this exercise to bring you closer to yourselves and to each other:
Each of you, describe your moving-towards values (values you’re drawn to and want more of), and then each of you, your moving-away-from values (values you’re repelled by and want less of). Each of you, make your own top 5 list for the two sets of values. Then, using examples, you each describe what you mean by every single value on your top 5 list.
| Moving-towards values | Moving-away-from values |
|---|---|
| Sex | Fear |
| Humour | Grumpiness |
| Family | Health |
Remember: career, children and marriage aren’t projects. They’re life!
Have a great trip!
/Martin
– Thank goodness it’s almost Monday!
