You’re in the car on your way home from work. As usual, the traffic is slow, but today one driver is doing everything to get ahead of you and move faster. The queue is long, and it makes no sense. “Idiot!” you think, as he passes you by cutting onto the cycle lane. Right there you’re making a classic mistake — one that, in a team, has big consequences for the trust between you. Trust is absolutely crucial to whether you create good results effectively. So what should you do? We start with popular literature’s ‘darling’: karma. A philosophy I’m not too fond of.
The thinking behind karma is that nature keeps an account of your good and bad deeds, which will at some point come back to you. The philosophy is therefore built on the idea that the world is fair, and that we all get what we deserve — both the good and the bad.
When you see the world as fair, it reduces your sense of threat, gives you a feeling of safety and creates meaning in difficult situations. The downside of karma is that it focuses purely on the individual’s actions, because it doesn’t account for how much our surroundings shape our behaviour.
Because even though you, stuck in the traffic queue, send blaming thoughts towards the driver illegally overtaking you, the truth is that you’ve probably done the same thing yourself, or something like it. Back then it wasn’t necessarily out of bad intent, but because you were in a huge rush or stressed.
The downside of karma is that it focuses purely on the individual’s actions, because it doesn’t account for how much our surroundings shape our behaviour.
A typical way of reacting to other people’s mistakes is that we judge them only by individual factors.
How we see others:
“He can’t be bothered to help the others.”
“He chooses not to be cheerful in the morning.”
“He only thinks about himself.”
How we see ourselves:
“I was tired because of overtime.”
“I was annoyed because I’d had an argument with my manager.”
“I was late because the trains were running irregularly.”
Of course, we don’t always see ourselves this way compared to others, but when we do, we make a mistake that sociology calls ‘fundamental attribution error’ (Victim Blaming, 2009). Research shows that even when we know in advance that someone’s mistakes are down to circumstances rather than individual choices, we still end up judging their mistakes as individual choices (G. Moskowitz, 1993).
When your colleague makes a mistake, and you balance individual choices against situational factors, the trust between you grows. That’s because you become less judgemental and less of a victim of circumstances, since you don’t explain away every one of your actions with a reason. Your colleague will feel that straight away.
Research shows that even when we know in advance that someone’s mistakes are down to circumstances rather than individual choices, we still end up judging their mistakes as individual choices.
The trust between you and your colleague is absolutely crucial to your ability to create results together. It can be trust that you can benefit from each other, trust that you can be more effective by working together, and trust that you can both get professionally better by sharing your experiences and discussing different views. If you believe in that, the quality of your end product will also be markedly higher.
Trust between colleagues isn’t about whether you can predict each other’s actions because you’ve worked together a long time. Your trust appears when you dare to show vulnerability — and that’s hard, because we naturally want to protect ourselves and hide our flaws and shortcomings (B. Brown, 2012). On the other hand, vulnerability is an effective way to strengthen the trust between you and your colleague. Here’s how:
Use these statements (risk to you: small)
You show vulnerability by admitting mistakes, showing weakness and asking for help. So use some of these statements with your colleague:
“I don’t know.”
“I have too much to do.”
“I need your help.”
“I’ve made mistakes.”
“I’m sorry!”
Your trust appears when you dare to show vulnerability, and that’s hard, because we naturally want to protect ourselves and hide our flaws and shortcomings.
Tell a personal story (risk to you: medium)
Some people come home from a summer holiday in India without telling you a single thing. Others can come out of the bathroom with a story. When you share a personal story, you’re vulnerable — because what if the story is embarrassing, or your colleague loses interest? On the other hand, it also means that when you share a personal story, you show that you’re comfortable being open. You dare to expose your weaknesses, mistakes and fears to your colleague, which means your colleague can do the same.
Make your colleague laugh (risk to you: large)
When you use humour to make your colleague laugh, you can’t avoid exposing yourself. Because you might just fail. On the other hand, research shows that humour and trust are very closely linked (W. Hampes, 1999). Think about it: when two people really laugh together, a completely unique moment appears — one they’ll both remember for a long time. Meet again, and they’ll quickly recall the situation and the laughter. When you make someone laugh right from the belly, that person surrenders, in a psychological sense. That’s why humour is a powerful tool in a negotiation. For you it takes courage, and being fully present. In return, you can open the door to your colleague’s personal and professional trust in a split second.
… when you share a personal story, you show that you’re comfortable being open. You dare to expose your weaknesses, mistakes and fears to your colleague, which means your colleague can do the same.
Combine all three
Next time you make a mistake, use it as an opportunity. Own the mistake, and if the situation allows, tell a personal story about why you did what you did. Give the story an angle that suits your colleague’s sense of humour. You’ll get a lot further with that than by only blaming circumstances.
Sources and more inspiration
Victim Blaming
2009, Canadian Resource Centre for Victims of Crime
Individual Differences in Social Categorization
G. Moskowitz, 1993, American Psychological Association
Vulnerability and Inspired Leadership
B. Brown, 2012, Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation
The Power of Vulnerability
B. Brown, 2010, TEDxHouston
The Relationship Between Humor and Trust
W. Hampes, 1999, International Journal of Humor Research
Et utroligt tilbud om en middag på Noma
Jens Rebensdorff, 2013, Berlingske
