When the foundation of trust in the team is in place, the team won’t be afraid to go into passionate discussions about topics and decisions that are vital to the organisation’s success. That way, the team will also be able to challenge each other to find the best solution and make the right decisions.
5 % of a conflict is about the actual topic, while the remaining 95 % is wrapped up in how you see the situation. So 95 % of handling a conflict is about how you handle yourself — not how you get others to change their attitude and behaviour (P. Jordan, 2004).
When you can handle and hold your feelings in a conflict, it’s easier to negotiate your way to a compromise with the colleague on the other side. You might even find a solution that’s better than before the conflict — and, if so, find that your relationship becomes even better than before (F. Wit, 2008). That’s because your colleague will trust that you can put anything on the table and talk your way to a solution.
When you can handle and hold your feelings in a conflict, it’s easier to negotiate your way to a compromise with the colleague on the other side.
If you can’t hold the feelings that surface in a conflict, you’ll at best agree to disagree — or maybe you’ll go your separate ways with the matter unresolved. An unresolved matter is harmful, because a conflict doesn’t go away on its own; it keeps draining your energy until you resolve it.
The way you react to a conflict can be very different from your colleagues’. When you know which conflict type you are in relation to the team (K. Thomas, 1977), you’re better prepared — and so have more in reserve to handle yourself and the situation.
An unresolved matter is harmful, because a conflict doesn’t go away on its own; it keeps draining your energy.
The key is self-control and presence: handling yourself in a conflict takes control of your stress level, and being present with the feelings you’re experiencing.
- You need to be able to handle your stress quickly. When you’re calm and alert, you’re better able to read and interpret your colleague’s verbal and non-verbal communication.
- Be aware of what you’re feeling. You can’t control which feelings you experience. But you can choose how you react to them. When you’re present and aware of what you’re feeling, you’re in control. From there you can communicate your needs without coming across as threatening, frightening or punishing.
- Use your humour. You can get a long way by using humour in a conflict. The advantage is that you can quickly see whether you succeeded. Does your colleague laugh or not? If your colleague laughs, your conflict softens, and you can quickly move on. If the humour doesn’t work, you go back into opposition (W. Smith, 2000).
You can’t control which feelings you experience. But you can choose how you react to them.
Training your use of humour in conflicts is worth its weight in gold. It builds your sense of the situation, your empathy and your ability to see the situation from a new perspective — so you don’t get stressed.
Sources and more inspiration
A Measure of Styles of Handling Interpersonal Conflict
M. Rahim, 1983, The Academy of Management Journal
Managing Emotions During Team Problem Solving
P. Jordan & A. Troth, 2004, Human Performance
The Black-Box Deciphered: A Meta-Analysis of Team Diversity, Conflict, and Team Performance
F. Wit & L. Greer, 2008, Academy of Management
Developing a Forced-Choice Measure of Conflict-Handling Behavior: The “Mode” Instrument
K. Thomas & R. Kilmann, 1977, SAGE Publications
Resolving Conflict with Humor in a Diversity Context
W. Smith, K. Harrington & C. Neck, 2000, Journal of Managerial Psychology
